We are.. Who we are..

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It rained today… . Uncertainly. “The weather is somewhat positive”, my thoughts as I got ready. Drizzling. Tiny droplets of silver. As they float and sway in the wind before falling. Mystical and beautiful. A good day to start. A good mood to move ahead.

I reached metro and found a safe seat to find solitude and lose myself in the electric voice of Nina Simone.. Feeling good.. . Generally I don’t pay heed to the people around. But there was this person who was holding a hand bag which was feminine. He himself was having a feminine persona. Confident. Dressed sharp with a scarf around his neck. Suave. The way he stood while reading a small novella, radiated the I-Don’t-Give-a-FUCK attitude. As I returned my attention back to the melodic excellence of Nina Simone (god bless her soul), I noticed the rest of the people in the coach. Watching him. Every individual thinks in a different manner and thus everyone had a different look in their eyes. Judgmental looks, smirks on the faces, possible innuendos and comments ringing in their heads. I even saw two adult grown men whispering in hush hush voices and snickering while looking disgustingly at him. The fact he didn’t say or do anything to these judgmental, rather expressive people at a personal level; got me thinking.

Our society judges,discriminates and what not, based on the self-expressions of an individual; based on appearance (and this is only one aspect of our explicitly judgmental society). The decision of an individual to live his/her life as he/she wants somehow affects out society at a level where the existence of individual entity is dictated by a set of rules which are considered to be “obvious”. A woman should act like a “woman”, and same goes for the man. These dictating “obvious rules” ranges from the type and style of apparel you wear (rather how to wear); to the way you should behave in society.

As children, most of us has been dressed as the opposite gender by our parents for fun. At that stage it is not considered “bad”. Why? Because children are innocent! They are pure at hearts! But when some of us grow up to dress as we please, it suddenly becomes “bad”. Why? Because a male should dress in a “manly” fashion! A female should keep her femininity by dressing in “appropriate” cloths! The fact that our actions and our karma are not considered enough to be acknowledged as good individuals, in a society which has an Epic written on Karma, is hypocritical.

I too once was homophobic like many in our society. But as I matured as an individual , who respect people for who they are rather then their actions and appearances, I understood. I actually saw and understood the difficulties people face when in such situations. As I ponder upon this, there might be a number of individuals who might be forced to live under the said “norms” of our society. Who might be closing their real self into some dark deep vault and pretending to be someone else. Just to be recognized as the respectable citizen in our society. Just because there are norms set by society, followed by our parents, family and friends.

A friend, who belongs to the LGBT community, likes to wear tee shirts, shirts and jeans. She despises all the apparel considered feminine by the society. She works with an NGO from time to time. She has adopted a child and bear the expanses of his education. She is a staunch supporter of gender equality and she believes in making positive changes around her to create a better society. But when she embraced who she really is and came out as her real self, phenomenal changes was their in people’s attitude. The goodness in her and her actions were neglected just because of the fact that she accepted herself as she is. Before that the same people, the same society cheered her for the work she does. Now they despise her and see her with the same judgmental looks, people gave to that guy in metro today.

I asked, “Don’t you hate it when people look at you like that..?”. She said, “No I don’t. It used to bother me before… now I am habitual. People will throw anything at you.. You don’t have to catch it all the time.. you have to let go of some. One time a relative shrugged away from me when I tried to give a hug. Most of the time it is the people who are close to you who behave as strangers. I don’t regret any thing that I have done s far and accepting who I am is better than pretending to be someone I was not.”

The purpose of society and the code it follows were to create a sense of discipline and reduce the random chaos in the masses. To have order and to make the masses more productive and less aggressive. Our society, with this code has stood the tests of time throughout the history of the Indian subcontinent. I do not hold grudges against our society, but I do towards the out rightly orthodox views which forbid individuals to embrace their true self and forcefully want them to behave and act in manners they cannot. To know one and to live as oneself.. this is what all individuals strive for. Live and Let Live. This has been one of the primary teachings since the ages. The progression of society encompass the growth and expansion of the intellectual horizons which accepts individuals in their true self.

The word “being” which is used in conjuncture to “human”, while describing ourselves, holds a deeper meaning. The state of awareness of one’s existence and the state where one knows who he/she is. People are coming out to the world. Declaring to world. Embracing their true nature and self. The need is for us to stand with them. They are our brothers, our sisters, our friends, our acquaintances, our neighbors. People.

 

 

As the Day Ends

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The glow of the sun,
when the fading rays,
touch the cold water,
with warmth in them.

The softness of the wind,
when it blows,
and makes the still leaves,
dance over the trees.

The moist droplets of dew,
on the green grass,
when the day breaks,
into the twilight.

The crimson reflection,
of the setting sun,
with its glowing hazy shadow,
on the crystal clear water.

The twinkling image,
of the shining dots,
that belong to the sky,
on the mirror of moving water.

The feeling of nostalgia,
which grows strong,
with every lighting candle,
as the day ends.

I See a Dream

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I see a dream sometimes.
And it’s so real.
I dream of high Mountains.
I see deep gorges.
I walk through the green valleys.
It looks like heaven.
It feels like heaven.
The flowers of all colors.
The mist over the high peaks.
The cold clear water of the river flowing.
The white, cloud filled sky.
The pine forest so dark n lush.
The sweet scent of the flowing winds.
The vastness all around.
And among all this…
I……living the dream.

Reason and the Purpose

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The reason we live are numerous. Different for different beings, different entities. And in nature, everything that exist has a reason. Without the reason the being looses its purpose. The reason to be, is the entitlement of having a purpose. We all are here for some reason. We only serve to this reason by fulfilling the purpose we exist to serve. This agenda, this ideation to live life is nothing but the bridge to the reason and the purpose of life.

It is so blissful to understand this simple sentence “the reason to live is purpose you serve”. One sentence which holds such deeper meaning but still is so elementary. What people call a “Higher Calling” is nothing but awareness of the reason and the purpose. People who succeed in life have been said to have a higher calling. Where they change their life choices and the way they perceive and do things, make decisions, work. It is nothing but the enlightenment by this “Higher Calling”.

A close friend works as an editor in a publishing house. Last night We discussed a lot of things. Friends in common, what she been doing, what I was busy with, about writing. Then she said something that caught on my attention and made me think. She said ” ..I thought about writing. But, I am too young, too inexperienced. I haven’t seen anything or have anything to say. I meet authors now and I feel, I have had such a good Life. Never faced anything in my life. I don’t have an agenda…” She was so blunt and out rightly correct. The dilemma-tic confusion of a certain age group of the population, she aptly described with such accuracy. We Don’t have experience. We haven’t lived our lives, long enough to be able to understand this reason and the purpose. For some it comes naturally. Some even have to wait for the entirety of their lives to understand this concept.

For most people, the purpose of this life is to reach certain objectives. And it is what we all strive for. But, as we all start living in the real world, we start to explore; what can called as the epiphanous insight to where we are. The real life is so different from what we have imagined. As a juvenile, you never thinks deeply of the perils of life that you live. Only after maturing to a certain age of individuality you understand that real life is unfair and it does not treat people as equals. What is quoted above, simply present a digest of what a certain age goes through on the path of maturing. This concept of reason and purpose comes to play at this very point, when you is starting out an independent life. You question yourself, at least one time in your life; “What is my purpose?”. And it is that moment you step into the real world. You Assess; yourself and the life you live. You Try to find what you are suppose to do in your life. What you should be focusing on. And maybe; you find the purpose to live for. There are those too, whose never ask “the question”. They do live but to fulfill the most basic purpose,to live and to die.

A fellow research scholar, said this when I asked her what she thought about the agenda of life. She said “…for some it is for a short term, and for some it is long term. And all in all it is just the evolution of an agenda as life moves forward. The priorities just add on as we move forward…”. She presented another side. The constant change or the evolution of our needs. Maybe, because of the experiences one has in his/her life. Or maybe, because of the addition of people and improvisations in life choice caused by it. Life is so full of change that rigidity does not have a constant effect on it. The situations, the relations, the seasons, the disasters, the unknown reasons, they all add up to make it so uncertain that it is highly susceptible to change its direction. This change, at times leads you to your purpose in life. It is sometimes life altering decisions or some situation, which changes so many factors in one’s life that leads to understand and be aware of what your purpose is. Many people have risen above others, when they were in adverse conditions. They achieved impossible feats, when they were facing difficult situations in life. Adversities and advantages; both play their equal part. Maybe, they are just the right winds of change one need to set the course of life in the right direction.

We are humans. The most dynamic beings known to this world. Having the ability to change the environment around us. With intellect and with consciousness to do good and the bad. With science and technology to create great marvels in our world.To unlock the mysteries and to understand the nature and being of this universe. And we have been placed here, on this third rock from the Sun. Placed so perfectly, as to survive and thrive. There is a reason to be… and a purpose to serve… .

The Rain

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For the first time…
It rained in the desert…
For the first time …
The sand tasted the water…
The dryness vanished…
Everything became moist…
The first ever rain…
The thirst quenching rain…
The drops of cold water…
On that burning, thirsty earth…
The long awaited storm…
That crashed onto the earth…
The wet winds that flew…
The gift of sky…
The rain…

Sub: To You.. From Me..

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Dear You,

Life is unfair and at times it tests you to the limits. I am on the verge of falling as I write. Falling off to an endless abyss of unknown where you can’t reach me; where your voice can’t haunt me. I tried to reach out, I tried to change the uncertainties and tried to create some symmetry out of the chaos, which was You. But time and again, I failed, I faltered. yet the peace which once resided in me, has vanished without a trace. Silently.

Countless nights I lay awake. Staring at the ceiling, hoping to see you as my eyes search the darkness. Listening to the silence, to hear one note of sweet melody that once was your voice. but the emptiness of the night hung so heavy that my heart aches, It pounds with pain. With writhing, unbearable, unimaginable pain. I curse you, I adore you, I loathe you, I love you. Still.

You once were my pain, my joy, my friend, my life. It ended. It crumbled with the walls falling on me of what we called a home. The invisible sanctuary which held you and me strong and safe In rain and storm. The sanctuary we made unknowingly, innocently. From the feelings of the tender heart full souls, that once we were. Now its all gone. I search for it. When I travel, when I work, when I sleep. when I breathe. Everyday, every single moment. But I am lost. And the sanctuary has withered somewhere in the oblivion, with the sands of time, flowing endlessly.

Yet here I am. Washed up and weathered. I eat, I work, I sleep, and I repeat. living a lifeless life with all the things I can hoard to replace you. Yet the void remains. The only static and stagnant thing in my life. The Void. I tried filling it up. But every time the void gapes more and more. Swallowing every bit of the newness and attraction from all what I try to fill it with. And in the end I am left with the likeness of you which shadows the newness and forces it out. Away from me. By me.

You are nowhere but still you are here. Somewhere. Hiding behind that bench where we sat, someday back in the past. Walking behind me when I walk home. Cooking with me on Saturday nights. you just like to tease me as always. Hiding behind unknown faces and yet smiling at me. I know you are there. With your bright smile, waiting to touch me, waiting to hold my face. But you don’t. And I wait for you at every corner, at every turn. Ready to act surprised. But You show up no more. Now you just like to hide. And it hurts.

The day you died I died along with you. And now I am just a hollow of a man with nothingness filled up to the brim. The need to live has ceased to exist with you long gone. I want to end the suffering but I can’t. I promised you. I kissed you and promised you. so I live. Broken. But I live. Its difficult, and I am cold and alone. But I live. Because you made me promise.

I don’t long to be freed of this immense pain. And I don’t want this pain to wear off. This pain is the closest thing I have left of you. The shapeless, stinging, agonizing pain. And I will keep it close to my heart. Tucked away. Hidden. Forever.

From Me.

P.S. I still keep the coasters lined up on the rack like you did and I still keep your boots out when it rains. I still hate broccoli which you loved so much. And I still find it difficult to remember dates which you reminded me every time I forgot.

 

The First Few

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The First Few...

Lamp Post and the Birds

Winter is very tender as well as cruel. Where certain species nurture and nourish in this season while other have a difficult time for them. Delhi has a very cold, and spine chilling weather when it comes to winters. mornings are all fog covered with poor visibility and with cold winds that blows off the color of your face and will make it numb. A lot of pigeons are there which reside nearby my house, as there is a lot of flora and fauna for them to exist. These two happens to be there, sitting on my window sill. Trying to keep themselves warm in the sunless morning of the past winters last year.

The First Few...

Glow of The Full Moon

Sun behind the cloud is something one can see every now and them. but a Moon behind the cottony clouds is one other thing. The full moon hidden behind the veils of the floating tufts of pure misty white. With night accentuating the silhouettes. making the seduction between the sky and the moon more dangerous than ever. Romantic undertones in nature are very difficult to miss out.

The First Few...

Empty Cells

The preciseness with which each cell is made, the perfection of some naturally learned art. Which is nothing but the ability to adapt itself; mores so, the art of living in the hostile world. It is a wasps nest, broken down after a strong wind knocked it off the wall. The creation of a being which is existing along with us but with a creative side with such perfection that no human can match.

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The Silhouette

Usually birds act as carriers of life from one place to other. They carry seeds, they plant them and play their role in the circle of life. I knew this, but never had the idea that it can be possible for a bird to play the pivotal role in the blooming of a plant; not on ground but on a building 3 stories high.

Saw this plant on the terrace of the building next to mine. It was glistening in the winter sun in December. It amazing to observe and to think; how life can grow and nurture itself, when given a chance. It made me realize that it is the power or urge of life to exist; no matter what the conditions are, no matter what the adversities are. If a life is destined to exist and see the sun,it will happen.

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Silvery Lining

The best moments during rain, when the sky is filled with clouds and all that is above is nothing but the dark sky with little hint of white here and there. And then there are rays of the sun that seep down from a small opening for a while, and at that time one can actually see the blessing from the sun coming down to the Earth as the white beam of transparent yet visible rays. Heavenly and apostolic.

The First Few...

The Broken Window

I accidentally cracked a window pane when I was trying to open on of the windows in my room. A little push and it gave way. I realized this is us looking at the world, through a glass. Glass so clear yet dividing us from what is real. If only it can be broken like this. If only the real world that is out there can be seen by us, and not through a transparent yet dividing glass wall. Won’t the colours become more vibrant?